Tomorrow is Jackson's surgery and I can say that I'm freaking out. I haven't been able to sleep for days and the only way I keep from breaking down is distracting myself. I try to keep telling myself that this surgery is for Jackson to have better mobility and potentially an easier life. However, all I keep seeing is my happy, smiling little boy that is playing with his toys and he has no idea what is about to happen. I'm scared that something could go wrong or he could be in pain. I took him to the hospital yesterday for a consultation and my worst nightmare came true, Jackson knew that something was going on. He now freaks out when the doctors and nurses come in the room. I knew this day would come but it breaks my heart. I know they say he won't remember any of it but it doesn't make me feel any better.
I'm trying to be strong and every time I catch myself starting to cry I pray. It's the only thing I can do. Take a deep breath and pray.
Jackson Adam
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
You Can't Control Everything?
I'm laying in bed with my mind racing. I'm thinking of a hundred things and cant sleep. This isn't something unusual for me lately. Ever since I was pregnant I couldn't sleep. Just all the unknowns of pregnancy flooded my mind. If u know me at all then u know that I'm a planner. I like everything done the way I thought it should be and I want to know how everything will work out before I do anything. Unfortunately for me, life doesn't work that way.
Just tonight, in my last mind-racing state, I come to the realization that I do this when I'm worried. When I can't control something I block it out and think of what I can control. My most recent out-of-control situation is Jackson's surgery coming up next Thursday. I feel like I have switched off the emotional side of my brain. I know about the surgery and I've have everything prepared for it but I just can't come to terms with really thinking about it. For some reason it seems its like a job to me, and I don't mean it in a bad way. I love my job as a mom but this is different. It's like I have all these tasks and planning that are required and it's a to-do list for me. These things need done and I'm getting it done. Maybe it will hit me when the surgery day comes, maybe. I wish I could turn my survivor mode off and my emotional side back on. I wish I could just let go of the control. I have all these balls I'm juggling and if i make one false move then there all going to fall down. I guess it's just life but wouldn't it be nice if life was like kindergarten and we all could have nap time and recess?
Just tonight, in my last mind-racing state, I come to the realization that I do this when I'm worried. When I can't control something I block it out and think of what I can control. My most recent out-of-control situation is Jackson's surgery coming up next Thursday. I feel like I have switched off the emotional side of my brain. I know about the surgery and I've have everything prepared for it but I just can't come to terms with really thinking about it. For some reason it seems its like a job to me, and I don't mean it in a bad way. I love my job as a mom but this is different. It's like I have all these tasks and planning that are required and it's a to-do list for me. These things need done and I'm getting it done. Maybe it will hit me when the surgery day comes, maybe. I wish I could turn my survivor mode off and my emotional side back on. I wish I could just let go of the control. I have all these balls I'm juggling and if i make one false move then there all going to fall down. I guess it's just life but wouldn't it be nice if life was like kindergarten and we all could have nap time and recess?
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