I'm laying in bed with my mind racing. I'm thinking of a hundred things and cant sleep. This isn't something unusual for me lately. Ever since I was pregnant I couldn't sleep. Just all the unknowns of pregnancy flooded my mind. If u know me at all then u know that I'm a planner. I like everything done the way I thought it should be and I want to know how everything will work out before I do anything. Unfortunately for me, life doesn't work that way.
Just tonight, in my last mind-racing state, I come to the realization that I do this when I'm worried. When I can't control something I block it out and think of what I can control. My most recent out-of-control situation is Jackson's surgery coming up next Thursday. I feel like I have switched off the emotional side of my brain. I know about the surgery and I've have everything prepared for it but I just can't come to terms with really thinking about it. For some reason it seems its like a job to me, and I don't mean it in a bad way. I love my job as a mom but this is different. It's like I have all these tasks and planning that are required and it's a to-do list for me. These things need done and I'm getting it done. Maybe it will hit me when the surgery day comes, maybe. I wish I could turn my survivor mode off and my emotional side back on. I wish I could just let go of the control. I have all these balls I'm juggling and if i make one false move then there all going to fall down. I guess it's just life but wouldn't it be nice if life was like kindergarten and we all could have nap time and recess?
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