It's too soon

June 9th 2010

I woke up today and hadn't been feeling Jackson move around as much as I usually do. Yesterday he wasn't moving as much either but then he started up again so I didn't let it bother me. Today was different. I knew something wasn't right. I tried not to scare myself or Pete so I just tried to keep myself calm. Pete went to Cincinnati for a Reds game so I was home alone. I drank juice and shook my belly like crazy. I just wanted to feel him kick back. I pray so hard that God would keep Jackson safe and please let him be ok. I called my mom and she suggested we go in and get things checked out. It felt like it took hours to get to the hospital and get checked in. The nurse put the heartbeat monitor on my belly and I heard it, his heartbeat. Immediately I felt relief. He's alive.

They couldn't get Jackson to respond when they tried to get him to move around. They were concerned so they wanted me to stay overnight to be monitored and have an ultrasound in the morning. I called Pete and told him to come home and meet me at the hospital. Everything seemed better but I was wrong. The OB on call came in and she didn't like the way Jackson was looking. She wanted to do an emergency C-section right then. My mom called Pete back and told him to get to the hospital now. I was only 34 weeks along. It all happened so fast. I was physically shaking. I was scared to death. My mom tried to calm me but all I could say to her is " its too soon, its too soon".

Pete came in right when they were getting ready to wheel me out the door to the delivery room. I kept telling the nurse 'look I'm really freaking our right now, can't you give me something!" but that didn't happen. Pete had to get changed and I'm sure he was freaking out himself. The next events I'm telling you based on what Pete has told me. He didn't let me know many things that were going on until months after Jackson was born. I love him for that. He knew I couldn't handle anything more.

They started to take him and I just told Pete to look at me. Look me in the eyes and talk to be about anything, the game, the weather, anything. The Dr said Jackson was out, 12:07am on June 10th. They rushed him in the next room where the neonatal team was waiting. I asked Pete, is he crying? Can you hear him crying? No one would answer me. I asked the nurse and still no one was answering me. I wanted to hear him cry, to know he was ok and I couldn't. I could tell by the look in their eyes that he wasn't. The neonatal Drs asked Pete to come see Jackson. Pete still tells me that he will never forget that image of him.

The OB took Jackson just in time. He had been bleeding from his blebs (capillary wounds that are on the surface of his skin). He lost over 60% of his blood and was drowning in it. He was white as a ghost when they took him out. They immediately gave him several blood transfusions among other things. They controlled the bleeding from his legs and stabilized him the best they could. He was on a C-pap machine so help him breathe. I was in the recovery room when the Dr came in to talk to me. I can't tell you anything he said to me. All I remember is that he was the most un-comforting person I've ever met. A few months ago Pete told me that they didn't think he was going to make it though the night. I'm so glad I didn't know that.

The next day was a blur.