Searching For Grace

The next few weeks after my first ultrasound were tear filled. All I could think to do is pray. Pray for God to make it all better. Make Jackson be born with something that really wasn't a big deal and it could all just be taken care of. I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. God has a reason for Jackson and it's in his hands. There was nothing I could do, no matter how hard I tried, to change things. I 've never been so close to the Lord than I was then. I guess its true, it takes God to bring us to our knees for us to see Him.

Not many people knew about the issues were we having with our baby. We told a few family members and friends. We didn't have answer to our own questions let alone answers for everyone Else's. I continued to have ultrasounds every 4 weeks to check on the baby and make sure nothing was getting worse. I didn't mind the ultrasounds, they gave me a little peace knowing I could see him and know he was doing ok. The Drs at the ultrasound office had a couple 'ideas' about what Jackson condition was. The ultrasound office suggested that we meet with the neonatal Drs at Miami Valley so we have an idea about what was going to happen when Jackson was born.The nenatal had another few 'ideas' themselves. The Dr literally told me' its a discussion board so nothing is off the table but we really don't know.' They definitely down-played what could be going on with Jackson which I sure the last thing the want is me getting all excited when they don't have answers themselves.

Months went by and I counted down the days until he would be here. I met with all the Drs at the hospital and toured the NICU. I tried to ask every question I could think of. I wanted to make myself as prepared for what was going to happen as possible. The Drs said I should be able to have a normal delivery, I would get to hold Jackson after he was born, then he would just probably go to the NICU for a few days but things could change and they did. I think about it now and I can say that I could have never prepared myself for what was going to happen.