A New Season

A lot has changed since I last posted, definitely for the better.

Jackson's surgery was a roller coaster of emotions. Things went well and it took time to heal but I couldn't be happier. Jackson's couldn't be happier either. Five weeks after surgery I got to see my little boy, now 9 months old, do something I never thought it would... crawl. It's amazing how I used to see other babies and just take so many things they did for granted. The look on Jackson's face when he realized he could go wherever he wanted was priceless. Then I few months after that he started pulling up on things and moving around on his feet. This was my biggest fear since he was diagnosed, that he wouldn't be able to walk. He's not there just yet but he's such a determined little guy and he will figure it out soon enough.

It's only by God's grace that I have this precious little boy in my life. He has changed me for the better in so many ways most of which I can't explain. It is amazing how one day, June 10, 2010, can change my outlook on life, love, and the world.

The Day Has Come

Tomorrow is Jackson's surgery and I can say that I'm freaking out. I haven't been able to sleep for days and the only way I keep from breaking down is distracting myself. I try to keep telling myself that this surgery is for Jackson to have better mobility and potentially an easier life. However, all I keep seeing is my happy, smiling little boy that is playing with his toys and he has no idea what is about to happen. I'm scared that something could go wrong or he could be in pain. I took him to the hospital yesterday for a consultation and my worst nightmare came true, Jackson knew that something was going on. He now freaks out when the doctors and nurses come in the room. I knew this day would come but it breaks my heart. I know they say he won't remember any of it but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I'm trying to be strong and every time I catch myself starting to cry I pray. It's the only thing I can do. Take a deep breath and pray.

You Can't Control Everything?

I'm laying in bed with my mind racing. I'm thinking of a hundred things and cant sleep. This isn't something unusual for me lately. Ever since I was pregnant I couldn't sleep. Just all the unknowns of pregnancy flooded my mind. If u know me at all then u know that I'm a planner. I like everything done the way I thought it should be and I want to know how everything will work out before I do anything. Unfortunately for me, life doesn't work that way.

Just tonight, in my last mind-racing state, I come to the realization that I do this when I'm worried. When I can't control something I block it out and think of what I can control. My most recent out-of-control situation is Jackson's surgery coming up next Thursday. I feel like I have switched off the emotional side of my brain. I know about the surgery and I've have everything prepared for it but I just can't come to terms with really thinking about it. For some reason it seems its like a job to me, and I don't mean it in a bad way. I love my job as a mom but this is different. It's like I have all these tasks and planning that are required and it's a to-do list for me. These things need done and I'm getting it done. Maybe it will hit me when the surgery day comes, maybe. I wish I could turn my survivor mode off and my emotional side back on. I wish I could just let go of the control. I have all these balls I'm juggling and if i make one false move then there all going to fall down. I guess it's just life but wouldn't it be nice if life was like kindergarten and we all could have nap time and recess?

He's Got The Whole World In His Hands

Jackson finally decided he was going to take a nap today so now I can have a chance to write. The past couple of weeks have been a lot of work. Jackson's doctors are going to perform his first surgery, one of probably many unfortunately. His surgery is scheduled for March 24th, hopefully, unless they change the date on me again. The schedulers says its for sure the 24th now so let's cross our fingers!

We met with the orthopedic surgeon on Friday to finalize the plans for Jackson. Basically, they are going to remove the toes and a good potion of his right foot. This will created a foot that is the right size for him and help him out when it's time for shoes and walking. It sounds like a terrible thing but really it's going to be best for Jackson. At least that's what I keep telling myself over and over when I think about how they are going to remove part of my baby's foot. I think about how every woman I knew that had babies would ask doctor if their baby had all 10 toes and fingers. It makes me laugh now. If you really knew how unimportant those things are for you to have normal life, no one would care to count them.

I am nervous but there is only so much I can do. I've made sure he has the right doctors. I've asked all the questions I could think of and hopefully I've got all the answers I need. If I sat around and thought about all the things that could go wrong I wouldn't accomplish anything besides driving myself crazy. All I can do now is trust. I need to trust that God has it in his hands and I need to lean on Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (King James Version)

 ⁵Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
 ⁶In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths

Some People Have No Sense

I know that sounds like a harsh title but its the truth. I've encountered this 'same' person so many times I can't keep track. This is what happens...

Jackson and I are at the fabric store waiting in line at the checkout. There is an older woman, probably 60s, standing behind me. I'm not paying attention to this lady because I'm trying to keep Jackson happy until I can get out of here. This lady says to me, "Excuse me". I didn't think she was talking to me until I hear it again, followed by a tap on my shoulder, "Excuse me". I turn around and say, "yes?". She says "I don't mean to be rude (while pointing at Jackson's foot) but does your baby have a club foot?" Honestly! Some people have no sense! Why do people think its completely ok to ask me what is wrong with my baby? It blows my mind. This happens to me all most every time I take Jackson out. By now, I expect this to happen so I just give the person some lengthy medical explanation that I know they don't understand, smile and walk away.

I was just thinking about it the other day. What if the person they were asking didn't have the attitude about their baby's condition like I do? What if I was a woman that was upset and depressed about my situation and some stranger in a store decided to point out my baby's differences? I really would like to look at these people that think it's ok to ask these questions and say "do you see a child in a wheelchair and ask what happened? Do you ask a child with no hair if they have cancer? What makes it ok for you, a stranger, to ask me anything regarding my child?"

I've come very close to asking these questions to the rude people myself but then that just makes me jerk just like them. I've always been told to kill them with kindness and that's exactly what I do. I just wish one day they'll get it. If your statement or question begins with "I don't mean to be rude" keep your thoughts to yourself. :)

Just Another Day

I've was woken up this morning to Jackson yelling from the other room. He really doesn't know any words yet so its like a "ah ah ah ah ah" noise. He makes me laugh every time he yells for me. By 9am I'm on the phone trying to deal with insurance companies, the hospital, nurses, home care and BCMH. O the joys of life, all the while feeding Jackson his breakfast. By now I think I can say I've become a Pro at dealing with all these people but there is always one person that thinks I'm a idiot and what she says is gold. When I encounter this person, I just take a deep breath and ignore their obvious hate for their job and I try to crack a joke. This usually doesn't get a laugh but hey, I think I'm funny!

I try to keep Jackson up for long enough so that he gets his morning 'business' out of the way. It never works out. Every time I put him down for his nap, his 'business' wakes him up 15 minutes into it. So now that it's taken care of for the morning we're playing until he's sleepy again.

I can't believe how big Jackson is getting these days. He's a little over 8 months old now and he's starting to look like such a little boy. My little tiny baby is gone. I put away all the little clothes that don't fit him anymore and I reminisce about how little he used to be! I remember having to buy smaller clothes because the ones I had he was swimming in! I can't help to miss by newborn baby but I love to see him discover some many new things. Just this week, he is trying to move all over the place. He can't crawl due to his one foot getting in the way but he definetly figures out how to get around. He has figured out how to roll over and over again until he reaches the Blu Ray player and plays with the buttons. He's starting to figure out what he can and can't play with. He gets all the way up to it and looks right at me before he touches it. He really does crack me up.

Jackson's bath last night went so well! Pete and I both usually dread  giving him a bath and changing his wraps. It's like messing with disaster. His skin is so sensitive on his legs that even the slightest touch can cause the blebs to break open and bleed. It doesn't bother Jackson but its obviously a mess to deal with. He was having a issue with the dryness of  that skin sticking to the stocking that goes between his skin and the wraps themselves. So, every time we took them off, the skin would break open. Last time we went to the DR they gave us an ointment to try and its a miracle in a tube! All the dryness is gone and his stocking doesn't stick! The best part is, there hasn't been any bleeding! Jackson was getting so irritated by the dryness because he wanted to scratch it. I can't imagine how frustration it would be to have an itch you can't scratch! But with this new ointment, he's so calm. He even LIKED his bath! He splashed around and didn't fuss at all! It was amazing. He even let me take pictures of him, and he was smiling! Every mom needs the embarrassing bath tub shot!

I've realized that everyday with Jackson's condition is a learning experience for us. There really isn't a book of all the things you need to know that work and that don't. Which I guess there really isn't a book like that for any baby so maybe our experiences really aren't that different from other parents. All I know is that thing with Jackson is getting better and better each day. I'm so amazed how all these things work themselves out. Some call it a coincidence, I call it "a God thing".

The Months After Leaving The Hospital

Listening to Lady Antebellum: Loves' Lookin Good On You

Things with Jackson were going pretty good. We would go back to Cincinnati for his check-ups once a month. The group he works with there is awesome. We have had to hospitalized Jackson a few times since then. He had some cellulitius in his right foot, it's an infection of the skin. Its pretty painful and needed to be treated with IV antibiotics. Any type of infection could cause major problems with Jackson because of his condition. He was also admitted because he was bleeding internally in his butt. He has some cysts there that can rupture under the skin. Since that happened, he had to have a blood transfusion to make up for the loss.

Jackson has been home with us since October without any hospitalization, Praise the Lord! We found what works for wrapping his legs and what doesn't. He is actually stable. It took 6 months to get him that way but I'm so thankful he is. In September, he had a MRI done to find out what was going on internally with the KT. Their findings were about what they thought it would be. He does have some internal cysts in his abdomen but once again THANK GOD they don't interfere with his organs. If I say it once, I'll say it a million times, WE ARE BLESSED!

It took awhile for us to get used to the fact that our son has a disability. Honestly, writing this blog is the first time I've really let myself feel what we went though. I wrote it in my journal with a very factual attitude. I felt like I couldn't let my emotions show. I had to be strong. I couldn't let myself get in the way of doing what I had to do for my son. I needed to do this.  I would lay in bed at night and go over these events and maybe let out a few tears but that was it. It drove me nuts. I just wanted to get it all out, all at once and be done with me. Put it in my memories as "dealt with". I think that is usually the problem when people have problems. They never recognize them and deal with it and let it go. I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

I'm letting go of the past and moving ahead with our future. I can't wait to see all the things it is going to hold for my family.

Home Coming

I love music and I think there is a song out there than can completely describe exactly how you feel at the moment. I'm llistening to Nora Jones: The Long Day Is Over.

6/29/10

This day couldn't have come soon enough. The night before I was at the RM house with Linda (Pete's Mom). I was talking to Pete on the phone and I was burnt out. I was at my limit with how much more of this I can take. I was exhausted physically and mentally. I wanted to take Jackson and go home. I think God heard my pleas that night because they next morning they told me we were being discharged. God doesn't give you more than you can handle and he knew that was all I could handle.

I called Pete and told him the good news. Linda and I let out our tears of joy and thanked God. It was over and we could begin our new lives together as a family. We got all of Jackson stuff packed up and off we went. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I sat in the back with Jackson on the way home and Daddy drove us. Grandma and Mimi met us at the house. Just being home with Jackson and Pete made it all perfect.

Letters to Jackson Cont.

6/19/10

Daddy and I went to visit you first thing in the morning. You were all bundled up snoozing away. You love being snuggled up tight in your blanket with your frog lovie on your head. We had to take a picture before you moved it. You did well with you feeding yesterday so they up-ed it a bit. They also let me try and feed you another bottle. You haven't got it down just yet but you're getting better at it each time we try! You fall asleep each time I try. I guess you're just so comfortable in my arms that you just want to cuddle and fall asleep. They let me 'kangaroo' you today. That's where they let you lay on my chest, skin to skin. You loved it. You just laid there, listening to my heartbeat, and fell into such a deep sleep. It's good for your development to be close to me like that. Mimi spent the day with us. Grandpa, Noe and Terri also stopped by to see you.  

Daddy went to the store after we left you today. We needed to get some more outfits that were small enough for you to wear. You were 5lb 14 oz when you were born so we needed some tiny clothes. We weren't expecting you to be that small, especially if you stayed in my belly for the full time! You would have been huge! I hate leaving you at night. I can't wait for the day when I can take you home and never let you out of my sight.

6/20-6/28

Over the next week things improved a lot. They took you off your oxygen. Your glucose levels balanced out on their own. Your pulmonary, liver and kidney issues all resolved themselves. All we were working on now is you feeding from a bottle for all your feedings. You have been doing great so we should be able to take you home soon!

Letters to Jackson cont.

6/13/10

You got excited about something today and you burst open one of the bigger blebs on your leg. Daddy kinda freaked out a bit but surprisingly I didn't. I was strangely calm. I had dad get the nurse and I helped the nurse stop the bleeding. You didn't seemed bothered by it at all. I thanked God for not letting these things bother you. Since you bled on your bed they had to change everything. The nurse Mike, who by-the-way was the best, told me to pick you up. I said "what? what do you mean? how? I don't know how? just pick you up?" I was so nervous. You were my fragile little baby! I didn't want to hurt you or make anything worse. He told me to just put my hands under your head and butt and just pick you straight up. This was the first time I got to hold you. You looked right into my eyes. I'll never forget it. It was like you knew exactly who I was, your mommy had you. It was only for a minute but it was the most precious minute of my life.

6/14/10

They took out your artery line in your head and your belly button. This means we got to hold you! You were still hooked up to lots of cords which we soon became Pros at moving around. They gave you to me, of course I cried. I'd been waiting for this moment for 4 days. I could have sat with you in my arms for days but Daddy wanted a turn too. He held you and so did Grandma. They started feeding you breast milk through a feeding tube today too. So many improvements in one day, it was a perfect day.

6/15/10

The wrap lady came in today and showed me how to do compression wraps on you. There is a silver stocking that went between your leg and the wraps themselves. This stocking has a antimicrobial ingredient in it so it decreases the chances of infection. The wraps have to be applied very gently so not to rupture any of the blebs. I caught on right away so I took the responsibility of changing them myself each day. I had the nurse put a note on your bed that says "My mom will change my dressings each day so please don't touch them! Thank You - Jackson". I know I'm a little controlling but hey, no one else knew how to do it right except me! Your condition is so rare that a lot of the Drs, nurses and medical students want to see your legs unwrapped. Everyday I would set up a time and everyone would come in at once and watch me up-wrap and re-wrap your legs. I'm ok with everyone wanting to see you. The way I look at it, its one more person that knows what KT is so they can help someone else in the future.

You had a lot of visitors today. Mimi, Uncle Caleb &Sam, and Auntie D came to see you. Mimi and Auntie D got to hold you. You are a very loved little boy.

6/16/10

Today it was just you, me and Grandma. I wanted some alone time with you since I could hold you know. Daddy had to go back to work. They let us get you in and out of your bed by ourselves so we held you all day. Grandma tried to take you from me whenever she could, I didn't want to give you up. Mimi bought you some book  so we both read to you. They let me try to feed you with a bottle today. I was really nervous. They gave me a bottle with 10ml of breast milk in it. You drank 2mls and fell back asleep. Still this was really good for a baby your age! The nurses decorated your bottle with your name and ribbons on it.

6/17/10

Today Grandma and I went to see you. I keep saying when 'went' to see you. Let me say that I was there everyday since I was let out of the hospital. We had a room in the Ronald McDonald house across the street. Every morning we would wake up and head to the hospital and wouldn't leave again until 7pm at night. The only time I did leave you is to pump more milk or eat. Otherwise I sat there with you all day. Just watching you or holding you.

You were getting better and better. The oxygen they are giving you is almost room air so you should be off that soon. They're still trying to figure out why your glucose levels are all over the place. That stinks because it means they are coming in a poking your toe every hour to check it. You hate it. I'm sure I would too!

I got to try and bottle feed you again today. You drank 7mls out of the 12ml they allowed you to have, which is awesome! I caught you smiling after you finished your bottle. Grandma got a picture of it. It might have been gas but I think you were smiling at me because you liked my milk.

6/18/10

We made it over for your rounds this morning with the Drs. They said your progressing like you should be with the bottle feedings. They thought there might have been something not working right with your bowels. They did an ultrasound to check but everything was ok. They were just trying to give you too much too fast. They re-started your feeds, just a little slower this time. Mimi came today and hung out with us. She held you a lot today too. Auntie D and Uncle Dave came to see you too. Auntie D brought you a doggie to keep you company in your bed. Daddy came today after work and stayed the weekend. He bought me a beautiful charm necklace. It had a 'J' on it for Jackson, a birthstone charm for June, and a charm that read 'Faith'. Our Faith is what we've been leaning on. 

Letters to Jackson

Listening to Adele: Make You Feel My Love.

Days after I had Jackson I decided to write everything down in a journal. I knew that everything was happening so fast and I wanted to be able to remember what exactly happened. I just started reading the journal I wrote in the other day and it brought back so many memories. Great memories. Some of them were sad and some of them brought me tears of joy. The little improvements Jackson was making and how excited we got for such little things like he pooped! :) I figure it's better to just re-write my journal to tell the rest of the story while we were in the hospital.

6/10/10

I was in the recovery room for 2 hours after I had you. It felt like a century. I wanted to see you so bad. They finally wheeled me to your room 3 hours after my c-section. I knew they were going to take you to the NICU but they told me that I would have time with you first. I tried to prepare myself for this but it was never what I thought it would be. None of this is. When I was a little girl and played house I thought about my perfect family. Then when I was married I thought about having babies and it being full of joy not sadness, fear and the unknown. They only let me see you for a few minutes and I don't really remember it with the medicine they gave me for my surgery. I slept for several hours which was ok since I couldn't see you anyway. I couldn't see you for 12 hours after the last time.

Around 3pm your Dr came in and told me they were puzzled by your situation so they sent pictures of you to a specialist in Cincinnati. Dr. Adams at Cincinnati Children's wanted you there as soon as possible. At 5pm they had an ambulance here from Cincy to take you there. Daddy and Mimi (Pete's mom) went with you. Grandma stayed with me. They brought you in to see me before you left. I couldn't really see you. You were hooked up to so many machines, wires, and tubes. I couldn't touch you because of the incubator. It was one thing that you were down the hall but to be an hour away, heartbreaking. I felt like they were taking you away from me. I just wanted to hold you, to be with you. They took my baby.

6/11/10

I convinced my Dr that I was well enough to leave. I couldn't spend one more night away from you. Grandma took me home to grab some things and we were off to Cincinnati. I finally got to see you, all of you. I touched you and my heart sunk. You were real, you were mine.

You were still hooked up to many wires. They had to give you another blood transfusion and you were hooked up to a C-pap machine to help you breathe. You had IVs in your head, belly button and arms. You had pulmonary hypertension and low glucose levels. Your liver and kidneys weren't working correctly either. All of those things are typical when you are born premature. Dr. Adams is your specialist for your condition with your legs. You have a syndrome called Klippel Trenaunay. They also call it capillary venous lymphatic malformations. Basically, it means that these systems didn't develop correctly in your lower extremities. The blood vessels are malformed and are full and close to the skin. This creates a dark birthmark looking area on your left leg, its called a port wine stain. Your lymphatic system can't properly re-absorb fluid in your body. They have a lady who specializes in compression wraps to help get that fluid back up your legs. Overgrowth can also be a part of KT. Your right foot is much larger than your left. This also affects your toes on both feet. The thing that was causing you the most problems when you were born were your 'blebs'. These are like blood blisters that are filled with blood and/or lymphatic fluid that can burst open without any notice or with the slightest irritation to the skins surface. You had quite a few large blebs on your legs when you were born that had burst open and were bleeding out in your amniotic fluid. This is how you lost so much of your blood and why you were in distress. You have some of these blebs under the skins surface as well. You will have to have compression wraps on 24 hrs a day. The only time they are removed are for baths and Dr apts no more than once a day and they are only off for a few minutes. There is no cure for this disease and they have no idea what causes it. Some researches think its a mutation of a gene but still they don't know what gene or how to detect it.

When you are little older, 3 or 4 months, they will do an MRI to find out exactly what is going on with all the blood and lymph vessels. Until then, they are working on resolving the issues that are from you being premature and maintain what the can with the KT.

Your case of KT is not extremely severe. Daddy and I have looked up several things on the Internet and we are blessed that is isn't as bad as some others we've seen. This shouldn't stop you from doing many things in life. You are still our perfect little boy and you always will be.

It's too soon

June 9th 2010

I woke up today and hadn't been feeling Jackson move around as much as I usually do. Yesterday he wasn't moving as much either but then he started up again so I didn't let it bother me. Today was different. I knew something wasn't right. I tried not to scare myself or Pete so I just tried to keep myself calm. Pete went to Cincinnati for a Reds game so I was home alone. I drank juice and shook my belly like crazy. I just wanted to feel him kick back. I pray so hard that God would keep Jackson safe and please let him be ok. I called my mom and she suggested we go in and get things checked out. It felt like it took hours to get to the hospital and get checked in. The nurse put the heartbeat monitor on my belly and I heard it, his heartbeat. Immediately I felt relief. He's alive.

They couldn't get Jackson to respond when they tried to get him to move around. They were concerned so they wanted me to stay overnight to be monitored and have an ultrasound in the morning. I called Pete and told him to come home and meet me at the hospital. Everything seemed better but I was wrong. The OB on call came in and she didn't like the way Jackson was looking. She wanted to do an emergency C-section right then. My mom called Pete back and told him to get to the hospital now. I was only 34 weeks along. It all happened so fast. I was physically shaking. I was scared to death. My mom tried to calm me but all I could say to her is " its too soon, its too soon".

Pete came in right when they were getting ready to wheel me out the door to the delivery room. I kept telling the nurse 'look I'm really freaking our right now, can't you give me something!" but that didn't happen. Pete had to get changed and I'm sure he was freaking out himself. The next events I'm telling you based on what Pete has told me. He didn't let me know many things that were going on until months after Jackson was born. I love him for that. He knew I couldn't handle anything more.

They started to take him and I just told Pete to look at me. Look me in the eyes and talk to be about anything, the game, the weather, anything. The Dr said Jackson was out, 12:07am on June 10th. They rushed him in the next room where the neonatal team was waiting. I asked Pete, is he crying? Can you hear him crying? No one would answer me. I asked the nurse and still no one was answering me. I wanted to hear him cry, to know he was ok and I couldn't. I could tell by the look in their eyes that he wasn't. The neonatal Drs asked Pete to come see Jackson. Pete still tells me that he will never forget that image of him.

The OB took Jackson just in time. He had been bleeding from his blebs (capillary wounds that are on the surface of his skin). He lost over 60% of his blood and was drowning in it. He was white as a ghost when they took him out. They immediately gave him several blood transfusions among other things. They controlled the bleeding from his legs and stabilized him the best they could. He was on a C-pap machine so help him breathe. I was in the recovery room when the Dr came in to talk to me. I can't tell you anything he said to me. All I remember is that he was the most un-comforting person I've ever met. A few months ago Pete told me that they didn't think he was going to make it though the night. I'm so glad I didn't know that.

The next day was a blur.

Searching For Grace

The next few weeks after my first ultrasound were tear filled. All I could think to do is pray. Pray for God to make it all better. Make Jackson be born with something that really wasn't a big deal and it could all just be taken care of. I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. God has a reason for Jackson and it's in his hands. There was nothing I could do, no matter how hard I tried, to change things. I 've never been so close to the Lord than I was then. I guess its true, it takes God to bring us to our knees for us to see Him.

Not many people knew about the issues were we having with our baby. We told a few family members and friends. We didn't have answer to our own questions let alone answers for everyone Else's. I continued to have ultrasounds every 4 weeks to check on the baby and make sure nothing was getting worse. I didn't mind the ultrasounds, they gave me a little peace knowing I could see him and know he was doing ok. The Drs at the ultrasound office had a couple 'ideas' about what Jackson condition was. The ultrasound office suggested that we meet with the neonatal Drs at Miami Valley so we have an idea about what was going to happen when Jackson was born.The nenatal had another few 'ideas' themselves. The Dr literally told me' its a discussion board so nothing is off the table but we really don't know.' They definitely down-played what could be going on with Jackson which I sure the last thing the want is me getting all excited when they don't have answers themselves.

Months went by and I counted down the days until he would be here. I met with all the Drs at the hospital and toured the NICU. I tried to ask every question I could think of. I wanted to make myself as prepared for what was going to happen as possible. The Drs said I should be able to have a normal delivery, I would get to hold Jackson after he was born, then he would just probably go to the NICU for a few days but things could change and they did. I think about it now and I can say that I could have never prepared myself for what was going to happen.

"So he has long legs, he gets that from me"

First, I'd like to say that I'm not a 'feelings' person. For anyone who knows me, I like to keep things light and most importantly funny. I've never shared these thoughts with anyone not even Pete but my purpose is not to be sad and depressed but to be real. Happiness and sadness are parts of life and this is mine.

Pete and I were married for exactly 6 months when we found out that we were going to have a baby. I remember I gave Pete a card for our 6 months anniversary and I sign it "we love you daddy". It totally went over his head and I had to just tell him. So much for being clever.

We were so excited and I was, like every newly pregnant woman, paranoid. I was counting down the days to feel my baby move and I couldn't wait until our first ultrasound. We went to our first ultrasound when I was 19 weeks pregnant. I couldn't hold in the excitement. We all had our bets on whether it was a boy or a girl. My mom and sister in law Christy join us for the big reveal. As I laid there, starring at the computer screen, waiting for my baby to be revealed, all I could think is this is real, I'm going to see my baby! We saw him moving all over the place. Then she showed us the money shot. He was a boy alright! She checked all the things she was supposed to but then she focused on something (I had no idea what was going on). She left the room and brought in the Dr. but still no one is saying anything to me. I caught the tech wispering something to the Dr about his legs and of couse, me trying to be funny I say "so he has long legs, he gets that from me!". He didnt laugh, tough crowd. The mood changed real quick. He told me that my babys legs are much larger than they should be. That there is extra fluid surrounding his legs and up though his abdomen. He had another Dr take a look and they were puzzeled. Neither one of them have ever seen anything like it before. They leave and no one in the room is talking. What do you say? They asked me to come into a room and talk to the genetic lady there. The Dr came in and said my baby had "deformaties". It was all I could do to hold back my tears. "Deformaties". How can you just say that to a scared mother without blinking.

We went thought a slew of questions from the genetic counselor and got nowhere. She decided to put Jackson ultrasound pictures on a medical board to try and get some feedback from anyone who could explain what was happening.

We left and as I was walking to the car I could feel the anexiety crawling up my throat. I couldn't get to the car fast enough. As soon as I shut the door, I lost it. All I could say is...why me?

The Day When It All Clicked

Sunday Jan. 30th

Pete and I had been saying that we need to go to church more often. We both grew up in homes where the Lord was always an important part and we believe the same things. We just hadn't found a church that seemed to fit us. Pete suggested that we go to his parents church. I liked this church but there were a few biblical aspects that I didn't really agree with but I figured it was better than nothing. I went into the service with not a hopeful attitude and certainly not an open heart but then it happened. Before any singing, a man came up to give his testimony. He told a story about how him and his wife had a daughter and then tried for years to have another baby with no success. Then one day, 19 years after his daughters birth, they found out that they were expecting. After their baby was born the Drs noticed that something wasn't right. They thought the baby might have downs syndrome but they had to do some tests to confirm. He talked about how he cried and prayed to God to make it go away, to change this part of their little baby boy. He said he cried for 40 days straight and still prayed for God to take it away and make their son normal. Then one day he heard someone else story and God showed him that there is a reason for his son to have down syndrome. God wasn't punishing them but instead showing him that he needed to be changed. So instead of praying for God to change his son, he prayed for God to change his life and his heart. He went on to tell a story about him shopping years down the road and he saw a man with Downs that looked like he needed help in public restroom. He stopped to help that man and he knew that if it wasn't for his son he probably would have looked the other way, like it did so many times before.

At this point, I had been in this service for 5 minutes and I'm already crying. God wanted me there that day and wanted me to hear this story. Instead of dwelling on Jackson's illness and praying for God to take it away, I prayed for Him to change me. In the short 8 months that Jackson has been in our lives my life has been completely changed. I might not know the reasons why God has for giving me my little boy with this syndrome just yet but I know and truly believe that everything happens for God's reasons.

Right now, I believe that one of God's reason is because I have the gift of the gab! Maybe someone out there is going though the same things in their life and they need it to click and make sense and I want to try and help.